Struggling? Network In Real Life.

I sat in the Texas Capitol this week, doing some legislative work, where a group of (probably) early 20-year-old staffers, having lunch, were talking about how and where to get to know more people. All, talking but on their phones, but what caught my attention was discussion of twitter, TikTok, some local venues, getting into entrepreneurship, and how most of them made their way into their career by knowing someone. With so many affiliations with my world and my work, I introduced myself and asked how each of them found their way into their work.

This is on my mind for a prominent reason beyond the frequent discussion these days of the challenges presented by smartphones and apps, with family and friends now in their late teens and twenties, everyone, not just younger adults, comments at some point that they wish they had more friends, are struggling to find more work, or feel lonely at home or in dating. We’re disconnected, and yet we’re not.

The answer by the way, from all 6 of those at the table next to mine, “someone I knew.”

No matter your talent, your credentials, or how “passionate” you are, if you’re not engaging with other people — deliberately, and in person — you are putting a ceiling on your future. That ceiling is self-imposed. And yet easily avoidable.

Now, let me add a layer of concern rarely appreciated, in that while we can blame quarantine for handicapping social skills, we can point to swiping a phone screen and know that it isn’t meaningful connection, or we might blame one generation or another because we want to make it on our own or stick it to those who came before us because they left us with a mess, what’s happening with social media and the job market is that your written profile or content online is all but worthless thanks to AI. AI is ushering into our media industry what’s referred to as “authenticity” as consumers crave real relationships with online personalities, to help ensure that they aren’t getting automatically generated content or a fake profile. When I hear Gen X peers struggling for work, listen to college students uncertain about the future, or even talk with teenagers still confident that they know better, the greatest of all red flags is consistently repeated, “I’ll network online, update my resume, and when that doesn’t work, I’ll seek help with it.” -> and they’re all horrifically wrong in their approach.

The idea that networking is a luxury — something extra, optional, or reserved for salespeople and “outgoing types” — has been thoroughly dismantled by research. Take Wolff, E. & Moser, K., whose meta-analysis in the Journal of Applied Psychology confirms that proactive networking behavior is consistently linked to higher career satisfaction, increased salary, and more promotions. Their findings are not a motivational meme; they are empirical reality.

The Academy of Management Journal also published evidence that internal and external networking contributes significantly to both job performance and career advancement. Put differently: people who build relationships get opportunities. Those who don’t, don’t. The labor market does not reward skill in isolation. It rewards trust, context, and visibility, factors that only emerge through consistent engagement with others.

You don’t need another online course. You need a conversation.

In @BowTiedSalesGuy’s very popular 10 sales lessons, it’s explicit: “ Meet in person if you can. Always preferable to meet in person than over Zoom!”

If you’ve convinced yourself that you don’t need a network (as many have), that you’ll be the exception, the one who breaks in on merit alone, you’re clinging to a myth that even elite institutions are trying to correct. A McKinsey report on upward mobility lays it out starkly: 70% of all jobs are obtained through personal connections.

That’s not favoritism. That’s efficiency. Its authenticity required in an era flooded with digital and fake. Relationships are how organizations reduce risk.

So why might upcoming generations, increasingly, hide behind digital interaction and call it networking? Why do some people of every generation? Because it feels easier. Less vulnerable. More controlled. But the return on online interaction is weaker, slower, and more superficial. You can build reach on social media. But you build reputation — and access — through real-life contact. What people are experiencing is the perception bias of what happens online: we see podcasts being popular and think we too should do that, we see influencers booming on TikTok and think that’s the path to success, or we see startups raising capital from a tweet and perceive that we could too… these are the unusual exceptions, not the norm!

This matters most in precisely where most express concern: colleges, careers, and capital.

The future of work will not be dominated by “jobs” in the way we know them now — it will be shaped by trust-intensive, skill-dense, and multidisciplinary fields: artificial intelligence, cybersecurity, space technology, robotics, precision healthcare, entertainment and media, military innovation, and education reform. These are not industries where your application gets read by HR. These are industries where someone says, “I know someone who could help.”

How to Start Networking When Hesitant, Unsure, or Starting from Scratch

Start with your parents. Or an aunt. Or a neighbor. Ask them how they ended up where they are. Ask who they worked with that they respected. Ask who else you should talk to. You are not too early in your career for these conversations. In fact, you’re already behind if you haven’t had them.

Any parent, peer, or partner advising at this point that you should make it on your own, that you can prove it, or that you shouldn’t take advantage, is actively harming you and your future. Turn to your family and get that foot in the door for school, internships, jobs, and promotions.

Then, show up. Find meetups and forums related to your field of interest. They exist in every city, on Eventbrite, LinkedIn, Meetup, Discord, or through local universities and coworking spaces. You don’t need a job to go — you need curiosity (and a bit of courage).

When you still feel like you don’t belong, host something! Create a simple event around a topic — no pressure, no agenda, just space. You’ll be shocked how many people show up when you take the initiative. Not sure how to reach people or promote that event? Go back to step one, ask your family, ask friends, and reach out to a person of some influence in that topic, and ask that they help you out; you might be surprised to find that most will.

Better IRL Networking

Stop treating it like an interview! Good networking isn’t self-promotion. It’s not a pitch. It’s not asking for help. It’s relationship development. Which starts, always, with conversation.

Let me give you a list of common turn offs (no no’s):

• Explaining your life story
• Focusing on where you want to be or what you want to do
• Pitching your startup
• Dismissing questions or criticisms
• Being overconfident — if you have it all figured out, there is no reason anyone can help
• Buy or try my thing
• Let me show you

Challengingly, those are the things easiest for us to talk about and so you might now think, “how am I supposed to network when that’s what I need to talk about?”

Appreciate that in networking, online or off, the other person is investing their time just as you are trying to do the same — make it all about yourself and you’re just sucking the life out of people. Have it stuck in your head that your goal is not to “close the deal” and get what you want, it’s to open the door to other possibilities… and the best way for YOU to do that is to open the conversation up to what those possibilities might be — by listening and being curious more than pushing your agenda. Make the time invested about the other person, and they’ll most likely do the same for you.

You want a simple, effective ice breaker? Here’s one: “What’s one job you think will exist in 10 years that doesn’t today?” It’s forward-looking, opinion-based, and opens the door to interesting discussion without the minefield of politics or personal drama. Another that might feel more comfortable, “how did you get started doing what you’re doing today?” It’s a litmus test for how people think.

And that’s the point; networking is not about extraction. It’s about information, alignment, and shared interest.

Keep track of the people you meet. Follow up thoughtfully. Add value when you can. This is not “playing the game” — it’s learning how decisions actually get made.

You don’t need a degree in behavioral economics to understand that humans are social creatures. We remember those who show up. We trust those we’ve seen before. And we bet on those who invest in mutual success.

So, if you’re struggling, if you feel invisible, stagnant, or overwhelmed by the path forward, do something simple, real, and transformative: connect with someone in person.

Originally published at https://seobrien.com on April 30, 2025.